Cold Coffee

In high school, my best friend started listening to MANOWAR. This can be attributed to one of three factors. Either he 1) really liked Bengay, 2) had swiftly developed a newfound affinity for mythological Heavy Metal bands or 3) was in the process of altering his musical tastes to match that of his new vandal buddies he’d been hanging out with so much lately.

On a car ride home, I decided to ask him about it.

“You’re an idiot and only like MANOWAR because Jesse and Austin do.” Subtle. “No I don’t, you ass. Go to Hell.” “Why do you like them then?” “Because they’re good. They don’t even tour in America. They hate America.” “You like blink-182 like me.’” “blink is okay.” extra scorn.

We sat in silence for the rest of the ride home. Which was extra rad because it was a seven hour drive and we’d just loaded up on enough Mt Dew and Skittles to give an elephant heart palpitations. We fidgeted in quiet the entire time. All the while, I repeated in my head: blink is okay? Since when is the band that defined our middle-school lives okay?  He spent the ride internalizing, “heavy metal, heavy metal daze.” Probably.

There’s a current murmuring among the coffee elite that’s damn near impossible to believe. Cold coffee tastes better the wicked voice whispers. Nobody I know likes cold coffee and I sure as hell dont. But I wasn’t born drinking coffee, it was a drink I basically forced myself to swallow because my cultured friends told me it was essential. Today I drink it for the practical benefits, namely a racing heart and complete inability to focus. But cold coffee? Could I ever fall for that?

It’s nothing new, this cold coffee movement. But, no surprises to anyone who has ever downed a room temperature joe, it’s having troubles gaining momentum. If I was a trend setter, I’d convince my friends how great it was while deploring it all the while. But I won’t, because it tastes like shit and I’m not that good of a liar. To get me in, my friends will have to convince me as they often do. Eventually, I’ll like cold coffee like I like hot coffee, which is to say how I like double IPAs, driving stick, 10Ks and eating salad for dinner.

It’s the enthusiasm that’s insincere, the loving of things you wouldn’t like all that much if someone hadn’t told you to. As for the former best friend? For the rest of time he would posit that blink was okay and, when he finally came to his senses and realized MANOWAR was entirely horrible, that they too were okay. 

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